Blue

Blue
You
I just don't have the words
I'm terrible
You don't want me
Need me
Just push me away...

I'm a cutter

And Idk what im ment to do
I like cutting
I feel better feel
Alive
Like I'm important
It's the only time
All of me feels like I'm not
Invisible
Xoxo
Scarlet

The tree looks so.gorgeous

From the bottom of my wine glass .sleep take from my reality
I feel gone.

Beside me ...

I'll keep slicing
It saves me
Helps
Bleeds
I.feel alive
He just
Really
Below it allhe hates me
8// never be his soulMatw
He deserves better than
Someone already dead inside..
Xoxo
Scarlet

He is..

I'm not fair
I'm cruel
I manipulate
It's all because I'm not good enough
Let me in

Break me down
Help me
Help me
I can't
I can't do better
I want to have it under control
Damn myself
He hates me

The demon.inside
It's festering
It's clawing dead soulless flesh
It's coming to light
To tear away any hope u had

I still wish death would save ppl I lov
U need to stay in the hole
Xoxox
Scarlet

High

Highhigh
There over the top
Can't even
Double. Vision

I wish you would stop

I wish I could do better

she sleeps beside me

my little sister lays next to me
shes 12
I think about when I was 12
how horrific it was
I pity what shell grow thru
tomorrow is thanksgiveing

a time to celebrate family and be grateful
but what am I grateful for ?
nothing
everything I wait for is gone
my grannies car
my peepaws truck wont pull up

I cant even make her pie right
 shes gone...
why cant I be with them
I think Id be much more grateful where they are than where I am

 blue left
hes gone hes not here to save me
 im getting worse


I cant evem take the babies screams my own
my kin
my brothers and sisters who cant help it
I cant handle it
my aniexty feels like Im suffocating
I miss him

why doES he have to be gone on me right now
 I feel so lost like im just in a blur like no one gets me
gid to  I love my momma but een she seems just clueless to me


I don't want tomorrow to exist without my granny yet it does.

the one rock I have isn't here so...
tomorrow..
will just have to hurt...

No title

I don't want to try
To live is to be free
The wind
Lost amongst
Every and all things with a swift
Time and motion
You can see me and fee the warmth
I've lost
Ugly
Unseemingly horrendous
A small nasty
Inkly to even pretend I'm anything
Besides gone

Just like wind
I am the leaf
That crinkles
Beneath her feet
Xoxo ,
Scarlet

Hated

Not cost
No words
Meaningless guessing
Hated

Unloved

Alone

Ashamed of

No one can really love u

XOXO ,
Scarlet

Never will I ever

I'll never make his heart jump
I'm just a stand in
Unlockable loveable
Traces of evident decay

Just a fester
Something waiting
To come to the surface

I'm irrelevant.
Xoxo,
Scarlet

Here

Where is here
I don't feel here
I ache
I feel like a doll on a shelf
A puppet watching someone pull the strings
Time just keeps moving
I'm stuck in slow motion
Where am I
I'm not here
This isn't me
I can't feel myself
Goodmanit where am I
Why am.I so on edge
What has me so lost
Gone.
Xoxoscarlet

Tell tell signs

No one cares
He doesnr want u
No one wants you
Your pointless
You never matter
You can't feel
No one feels anything for u
You are useless
Hell never love you
Hell always want better than you
You

You are nothing.

Xoxoscarlet

This is beautiful

Beauty
Ppl
Together
Celebratting life
If I could just
Stay alive
That high you get from your
Cocktail inside you And not beib in the crowd you sit back

I never asked for this

I can't handle life
I can't handle these ppl
I never asked to live
To exist
To feel
Why is this life filled with cruel
Terrible ppl

I'm so weak
I just cause burdens to everyone
Everything around me
Blue god blue save me
Plz
Why can't you just be
I'm.so hurt by what he said and I'm trying not to and its eating me
Like acid tearing at my skin
Is our relationship pointless
Stupid
Fake??

He hides me
Says theres no point to being around my family they expect too much
And now even turns me away to make love

I'm so useless
Broken
Pointless
I can't even make blue want to mean somethin to me anymore

I hate this place I hate everything around me I wanna leave work
I wanna go home and just curl in a ball
And cry more
Pathetically
Cry abt my worthless bullshit
That no one cares abt

So much
Not enuf
I just can't

Xoxo
Scarlet

I

Feel like shit
Inside and out
Fuck the high and mighty

I'm not wanted
I'm not what turns on
Again again again

I don't see why its important
I'm tired
Lets not
I have to face it

I'm not new
Not exciting
Not sexy
There's no urge

It's all my fault
If only I was everything he wanted
And be me

Xoxo
Scarlet

Far far away..

I feel far away
From any kind of goal
Or a new direction
I even feel Dar away from him sometimes

Almost like him ever wanting me
Is surreal

If he's not right next to me
The definition of what I mean
If I'm important
How he feels
Really feels
Really thinks
If I can't see
Or touch him
Feel him see me
It all feels foggy
Shouldnt I just be grateful...

I guess I'm just selfish
Scarlett
Xoxo

Like a blur

Last night I went there again
It had been a while
But I couldnt focus I couldnt stay where I wanted to be

With blue
Course is it fair to always want to be with blue like I do?

I hate myself
When I'm petty with things
Eat at me that really shouldn't
Things shallow
Things I shouldve matured out of

Like her
How she gets in my head
How I feel compared
Like his own
And how they already hate me
People just don't approve of me
Don't like me
An embarrassment

I'm something you hide
I'm like a drug
That makes everyone judge u for using

I'm so sick of that lost feeling
Of being broke
Of being broken
Of wishing I was someone else

Why can't I just be stronger

Scarlet Xoxo

Fail

I
Don't
Know
How
To succeed

Why cant

J just play the part of someone else

Today isn't today without the time before

I want to cry
I want to bleed
I want to find my way
Crawl my way out of this hole if it kills me

My own madness
I miss him
I shouldn't
I should never miss him
I just hurt

Mt head us throbbing
Throbbing
I'm so far gone
No one can save me

No one should have to
If only I was still with the fish under the sea
Isn't that just terrible

I just keep pushing the blade deeper

Xoxo,
Scarlet

Come away with me

Where they can't stand us
I wanna walk with you on a cloudy day

My stomach is hurting I know its bc  I'm refusing to eat
But sometimes torturing myself
Atleast pain feels recognizable

That fog
That feeling like crying
And uncontrollable crying
And not even knowing the reason
It's an ache a weight something I can't take
I'm too weak

Cruel
Having to live is cruel
For weak ppl
Poetic sentimental ppl

Today walking on a path on campus in chalk were arrows and hearts talking abt a wedding
A proposal was at the end

I wish I could  find that kind of romance
Or just the creative sentimemt
Thoughtful personalness

Not that blue isn't already close to perfect its not him

It's me.
-scarlet

Last nights nightmare

Sober
Too sober
But what do I do
So hungery
Thirsty
All kinds of thirst
Mainly the thirst of wanting to feel better
Blue.

I woke up alone
I wasn't mad at blue
Just scared
I woke up scared
Scared bc I was alone
It wasn't even a romance thing
Just that lingering of being forgotten or abandoned

I'm never good enough
First work
Now my paper I made a C
Grey made a C- there is no way I'm half a point grade from her in writing
Maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm a terrible writer
Apparently I'm not "analytical"enough
I'm just unbelievably sick of not being good enough
Not for ad hard as I try
Work
My house
School
My health

I want it to all be over I just can't keep drowning

-Scarlett

Blood on these hands

Sitting waiting for work
Yesterday was a day and a half
It almost feels like a dream

Blue really talked to me
Really saw me
It felt like id ripped off my mask
And say in front.of him
With this terrifying demons face
I opened wounds that havwnt healed buy that I've fig at and let fester

The worlds swirling today
Looking at the colors
Fall everyone says how beautiful it is to see the leaves change
But literally theor dying

The panic attack I had felt like I was losing every piece of insanity I had left

Xoxox
Scarlet

Lifes suffocation

I wanted to lay next to him
I wanted the high to last that little glimmer that things would get better
I feel so sick
I keep crying
I wonder when ill run out of pain
Our of fog

What am I other than somethin to piss ppl off

No one can stand me
My own bf wants more than who I am
At work it felt like every second someone had something negative to say or do

I came handle it
It's like everyone else's yelling
And cruel words weigh on me
The anxiety just eats me alive

I feel so sick
I just wish he was here
That I made him happier

I want it all to be over

Xoxo ,
Scarlet

Y so blue panda bear ?

For a second
Life had me believing I'd get better
But I'm infected

I'm the wrong varible n the equation
Blue and scarlet
Make purple the color of royalty
The ultimate joke on me
Ill never be a princess

I'm a monster.

Xoxo
Scarlet

Today I felt here

His birthday

If not today I wouldnt have the heartache I've had
But had not today every miniscule happiness in btw that made it worth bearing wouldnt have existed

We made love
We Shopped
God did he spoil me
More so than needed

But it was that second
Where we sat on the ferris wheel at the fair that I felt there for what felt like once in decades I felt next to him I felt like I was living

Even tho the dullness came back like a rush that little moment felt like a fairytale it felt like for a second magic had brought me back from the tall dark tower into the light even if only a second

I'm so greatful for that I just hope his birthday was a great one

Even tho he scared me last night
...hopefully ill just forget that
Of atleast try

He said I can call himy bf
Is it right even if Idk if I love him
Not bc I don't want to it just feels like e everything else lost somewhere in my fog
That endless fog
"I don't see myself with you in 5 years" 

5 years.... I wonder if ill be there or ill still be stuck down the rabbit hole

Xoxo ,
Scarlet

Today was bad again

Every time I think I'm ok I'm wrong its Like it goes for a while and when.it hits again its worse than the time before
Maybe I'm overly upset the asshole state trooper gave me a ticket for wearing my seatbelt "incorrectly"
Maybe its blue

It does feel like I'm changing abt blue things have lost all od its "sparkle" he was always my anchor
All those times I surreally leave my body
Wander away to whereevrr that place is it never happened with blue he kept me here
But now one even caught myself leaving even when were having sex
Thwoat intimate contact you can have the closest you can get to someone basic identity and I'm drifting

Apparently I'm getting worse..

Today when I left blues I came home and wanted to sleep ya know its was still kinda early its a day off go back to bed and sleep till noon

I woke up at 530 this afternoon
Thata just not normal or healthy is already slept 7 or 8 hrs ans then without any meds to induce it slept 7 more... It's just getting worse its like I can't function

Now blue is just changing all the plans and bringing Everyone he even yelled at me.

Hearing monster and ladybug helped bit o just feel gone

All I wanted was to go to the fair

And it ALWAYS rains me out

Xoxo,
Scarlet

lets hope...

My  Presented BFA port.....

Today almost felt right

Today I woke up in mt same normal fog and then my mom asked if I wanted to go with her to the salon

She got my nails done
And a pedicure ans my hair cut
And I put black in my hair
For the first time in months I feel like I could breathe I love my mom even when it hurts and when I'm mad at least my mom is still here
Will left
My granny died
My peepaw died
Men have left me
But my moms always loved me and tried her best even when Shea not all there sometimes

I really love her
Maybe that's why I haven't died yt
Bc it'd break my mamas heart

Love ,
Scarlet

Rip Your Nose and Drink Your Coffee

This little girl in this classroom just make my mind run
thinking about all the pain Ive been in the last 4 days and thinking
that I could be pregnant and that I could be miscarrying or be pregnant in
my fallopian tube and that there is nothing I could do yet again
seeing her watch the world and knowing that innocence that nothing can compare to
thinking about Nolan or Lindsey

In PSY shes talking about raw sensory information
association
perceiving the world and the process of interrupting it
based off of the information already within your brain

god ill be glad to have my Lenovo in my hands and be done with this computer
I need a laptop that's just fact
but knowing how much money I spent and knowing that this thing will just
lock up turning off or will struggle to connect to the internet like it should
its not worth the 900$ bucks I spent

My nose feels like its throbbing I still cant figure out how I managed
to rip out my nose ring with my sunglasses
the ways I use my bad luck these days just completely astounds me
It was so close to healed
I was excited that next week Blue would take me to buy new jewelry
hes said it twice now I think he really just wants something quality that
Ill love
and that hell love
I think he really likes the piercing
I think he sees it like a beauty mark just like the freckles in my eyes
its just a little quirk he can get lost about
something he can see as "cute" or "Different"

As if my bright teal wig isn't "Different" enough
Love,
Scarlet

Can I hide in the bathroom?

I love the smell of sex in the morning

So today was interstellar
I still have that uneasiness abt things
It feels like I'm watching my life threw a screen like its not actually me
It was nice to get a little sleep even tho it never feels like enuf
I'm just

I'm always tired
Blue has been so sweet to me
Since I started losing my shit
Maybe he thinks ill give up
Or that I have already
Even tho I feel like that's what he'd benefit from felt like in the last week hea more prone to hold onto me everyday

I love just getting lost in his scent
He gets this intoxicating mix of his man spray and pheromones
It used to make it unbearable not to lose myself in
But lately I'm just not there all the time

I do wish I knew the deep rooted perverse reason I'm so addicted to sex
It never feels like some forty act to me and I never just sleep with strangers
For gods sake blue of all ppl he was the first
I can just claim
"Well he started it ..literally all of it"

But even sex has lost something
I feel like Alice
I fell down some mental rabit hole into a hysteria
Into this place without logic
And I'm slowly looking for the way back out of this into the real world again

Daily synapses

Euphoric Calamity

late break for it

I woke up late today just enuf that I just couldnt get my shit together
like I ever have my shit together
so of course we opted out again
is it still bad to miss school if you miss school with the intentions to do
other schoolwork all day?
Idk if that counts

Today seems just as pointless

I feel so tired as always my computer wont work to save its life I get lucky to use it for more than an hour
if I get an hour and thats a real problem theses days
maybe i actually will get a new one like I keep saying

I wonder what hes doing..
he was hardly responsive to me last night
it really feels over
not that we had anything to begin with..
it was all a fasad

I'm scarlet
He's little boy blue
Well call her...grey
What's it like to steal someones words
I wouldnt know I've never had a problem having words of my own
But when someone has a real weight a darkness to something
And you say it so meaninglessly
It's like mocking them in this twisted malevolent way

When I'm in that place
What ever that place is
That place beyond sad
Or beyond pain
It's a whole nother feeling that doesn't have a rightful name
When your in that place
And you push a blade into your arm or thigh or wrist
Not slicing yourself like meat but just putting enuf pressure to really feel the blade
Doing that over and over
Until you get this satisfying burn
And it looks like no more than cat scratches
Things that fade before morning
And no one but you knew the burn was ever there
The burn to wake u up from that place
That dull lifeless place
The place where your laugh doesnt even feel real
The place where everything seems pointless not by emotion but by logic
Well ill die eventually
Well even if it hurts
Pain can only last a time before it passes
Well one day my life won't even be remembered just like the billions of humans I have no earthly recollection of before me
No matter what happens
Nothing is purely stagnant
Change is constant even of its minut
When your in that place everything then loses any kind of value
And every second becomes this drull endless ...thing

People who have never been to that place don't know the truth behind what it means not to feel

And people who have been there
More than likely aren't here to talk abt it anymore

I wrote for school tonight
I somehow always impress myself
Tho I seem to be the only one I impress

I read a speech by Gandhi
Provoking the ideal of non violence to find freedom for India
He was a beautiful soul.

I'm obsessed and insane

Last night was terrifying
It's like I got all of his answers
But none to bring a resolve
I feel broken and unhinged
The world feels like its rotating backwards on its axis away from where its ment to be
But all the crying and drunk rambling and what felt like a moment

It was pointless
I didnt actually mean anything..
I don't mean anything

Work made it all worse
"Yeah I think all girls dress like hookers ...except me"
"I was sally and he was my jack"
"She talks too much"

Im just so tired
Really I just want to smoke a bowl and hide away
Sleep and hope my dream never ends
I'll never be her
I'll always be this thing

I'm a nightmare all I want is to be loved be accepted
Why doesn't that exist for me

Everything he said it was all a lie
It's so hard to keep going

Ain't I a woman?

Lost amongst it all

In hot water

I just don't want to
So much hw to do
And I can't decide if drinking and bad singing is worth it tonight

But that's probably part of my problem I quit going out
I need to at least try
Try to meet ppl have a little fun
Anything but...
Sit at home ..alone
Sit at home and cry
Sit at home and think abt him
Anything but that

Energy Drinks and Bus Rides

It felt like id woken up from a bad dream this morning everything felt sluggish and unappealing
I got up and got dressed didnt even bother with my hair today just put myself together and hit a bowl
then went to get jennifer it felt like everything was fine again but clawing at the back of my mind Id had relentless thoughts creep out and remind me that there is a gigantic cankerous hole digging at my psyche

like an ulcer in your mouth you forget its even there until you eat something salty and suddenly youd rather be in hell than feeling the inside of your lip burn like it does
moments like when i was on the bus

I fucking hate that park n ride

everyone squeezed together elbow to elbow but I realized today I never really really notice the people on the bus the people next to me or in front of me unless its some attractive male I want to interact with or someones loudly making an ass of themselves so aapparently unless I want to lust after them or be irritated at them they just arent worth noticing
thats really cynical its ironic how insecure I feel about how i look and im constantly worrying over it
yet when i think about how much i really look at people and that probably reflects just how much people really look at me its all one big self hating cycle

the one great thing about being high is that the world feels like a different place its like you experience everything to the height of its potential like my energy drink it felt like the most delicious beverage id ever had and that it quenched a thirst I had for years
pot seems to mellow out all of the scary things but enhance things you never appreciated before like the feel of the wind on my palm when Im driving with my hand out the window
Id much rather being appreciating my beverage and the feel of the wind
than sitting and stirring in whether my lover hates me or if my zit on my face is noticeable
Im not someone who smokes cannabis all that often but I will say its nice that it cuts through all the bullshit and just simplifies the world into something you can just enjoy

life drawing felt endless and pointless

I hate when professors yap. when they just ramble useless information that i wont remember or care about or if its information Im already aware of
I wish everyone could just say what they mean and leave out all the extra "fluff"
its just nonsense and wasting my time wasting my breath
supposedly I only have one life to live and with the demons I have these days I could be strong today
and consumed tomorrow so I dont want to go out knowing I spent my last day just wasting existence when I could be appreciating the earth around me
or meeting someone new
or making someones day
or learning something I dont know
or who fucking knows skydiving I have the ability to just get on a train and just let it take me someone
im old enough to do as I please
so why do I still do the things I think im "suppose" to do

Life used to feel differently
It's not like it was happy go lucky and exciting
But it never felt like this

Pointless.
And like I couldnt feel anymore
Everything just feels like quicksand

Love,
Scarlet
 

sleeping habits nazis and demons

I cant really sleep seems to be the only real reason I got around to finish setting up this thing
all of my anxiety feels like its settling for the night at least Id like to think so I never really know when that will escalate and take over it happens so suddenly like its stepping on my heels just before it trips me

I had so much free time this 3 day weekend why didnt I clean my house or prepare for my tests or do my homework why didnt I do any of those things
I saw my 1 yr old sister walk for the first time today
all wobbly and unbalanced and she clung to my hands almost trembling that shed fall
thats a lot like out I feel these days
like I can feel the world spin on its axis beneath me and Im just this scared ignorant to the dangers around me little child hoping someone will catch a hold of me before I fall

I guess I should talk about him lets call him the boy in blue
no matter how bright and lush a blue is blue is still a color with sad connotations
since the beginning of june we crashed into each other again normally after Im dumped or my hearts all over the place I run to him hes my comfort zone my little boy blue is the first real sip of love that I ever got to feel way back when and I think people run to people they know they can project onto and not have to face themselves hes like my security blanket I never feel as assured of myself as I do around him
but besides all of that this time instead of just the quick pick your chin up boost it evolved
and I knew I loved him

and love is such a funny word these days it feels like an alien language to me like its this thing someone made up just to infuriate the masses

But I do love him.

I have these moments I like to call "pauses" its when he makes me so happy that I feel surreal for a second and everything just stops and takes in that moment all at once the curve of his back when he lays on his stomach or when he gets that monotone look on his face there are these tiny instances that just get swallowed up by time normally but I take them in
and thats what made me realize I loved him is that I treasure non valuable things in him simply bc they are who he is

And while I believe he loves me I also know like I said before that were all damaged and in his own fucked up way his love for me is choosing not to love he just cant do it
he cant be mine and I be his he will play house with me day in and day out but when it comes to a reality he chooses the out everytime
and last night it just came to a boiling point yt again
normally hell say he cant date me and ill cry and say I wont see him again and then 3 days later cant take it anymore and we go back to pretending but thats not the case this time
I think this time some very scary inner demons will get the best of me and this time Ill just stay away
its crazy how someone can be so good for you and so bad for you all at the same time

its almost 3 and I should be sleeping but my demons came out tonight not just to play but to warn me
warn me that my reality is that im not as strong as I pretend to be
maybe its the world maybe its me just being a brat for not getting what I wanted with a relationship maybe its my "daddy issues" and by that I mean my insane conservative Nazi sperm donor or maybe its none of the above

all I know is that right now everything seems so flacid and dull and im still trying to pull myself out of the quicksand

Love,
Scarlet

Let's Welcome Scarlet

I decided to start this blog based of the simple facts of words
everyone sits around and uses their words so uselessly
Ive also started this because I have come to realize one truth
and that is that I'm damaged
and not just that but that the entire world is damaged
each and everyone one of us have this burden we carry around
and some people like myself have to start unloading theirs somewhere
because it starts to weigh too heavily and they simply start to sink
I have a wretched past and currently a stalemate present
and more than enough opinions than one woman my age should probably have
but this is my now and as of my now this is how I want to endure it
today I might be strong enough while tomorrow I may just fall through the cracks
to me it seems like humans are constantly pretending how strong they are
how dominant their psyche is compared to their emotional struggle
when actually in all reality were all these vulnerable frail creatures
our lives could easily dissipate in seconds and while our loved ones would ache over us
within time for the most of us our existence would be lost
when i think about how many billions of people have died up until now
that I didnt know that no one I knew knew
and thinking that they are now so insignificant but that "Life"
was no different than mine
This is what I will do this will be my live journal maybe by putting my thoughts out where they can be validated and maybe they can feel like more than just new-ons (and thats another thing I dont care about my grammer or my spelling or any of that really so if you want to read anything I have to say you should let go of that too)
Im not saying something just to say something nor am I saying something so other people will listen
I merely want something solidified
-Love
Scarlet