Energy Drinks and Bus Rides

It felt like id woken up from a bad dream this morning everything felt sluggish and unappealing
I got up and got dressed didnt even bother with my hair today just put myself together and hit a bowl
then went to get jennifer it felt like everything was fine again but clawing at the back of my mind Id had relentless thoughts creep out and remind me that there is a gigantic cankerous hole digging at my psyche

like an ulcer in your mouth you forget its even there until you eat something salty and suddenly youd rather be in hell than feeling the inside of your lip burn like it does
moments like when i was on the bus

I fucking hate that park n ride

everyone squeezed together elbow to elbow but I realized today I never really really notice the people on the bus the people next to me or in front of me unless its some attractive male I want to interact with or someones loudly making an ass of themselves so aapparently unless I want to lust after them or be irritated at them they just arent worth noticing
thats really cynical its ironic how insecure I feel about how i look and im constantly worrying over it
yet when i think about how much i really look at people and that probably reflects just how much people really look at me its all one big self hating cycle

the one great thing about being high is that the world feels like a different place its like you experience everything to the height of its potential like my energy drink it felt like the most delicious beverage id ever had and that it quenched a thirst I had for years
pot seems to mellow out all of the scary things but enhance things you never appreciated before like the feel of the wind on my palm when Im driving with my hand out the window
Id much rather being appreciating my beverage and the feel of the wind
than sitting and stirring in whether my lover hates me or if my zit on my face is noticeable
Im not someone who smokes cannabis all that often but I will say its nice that it cuts through all the bullshit and just simplifies the world into something you can just enjoy

life drawing felt endless and pointless

I hate when professors yap. when they just ramble useless information that i wont remember or care about or if its information Im already aware of
I wish everyone could just say what they mean and leave out all the extra "fluff"
its just nonsense and wasting my time wasting my breath
supposedly I only have one life to live and with the demons I have these days I could be strong today
and consumed tomorrow so I dont want to go out knowing I spent my last day just wasting existence when I could be appreciating the earth around me
or meeting someone new
or making someones day
or learning something I dont know
or who fucking knows skydiving I have the ability to just get on a train and just let it take me someone
im old enough to do as I please
so why do I still do the things I think im "suppose" to do

Life used to feel differently
It's not like it was happy go lucky and exciting
But it never felt like this

Pointless.
And like I couldnt feel anymore
Everything just feels like quicksand

Love,
Scarlet