I just can't sleep

I just can't sleep it's too much

I'm scared

I don't want to be scared

I do t want to be upset 

I want to be normal

Grateful 

Happy

Less terrorized inside by the chaos 

I want to be loved 

By friends 

By family 

By blue 

I dreamed about it 

About life

About it being spectacular

About being around the kind of people

Who were kind and who were like the 

Characters in my books

I always thought if I tried hard enough

If I was kind enough

If I just always gave it my best and kept my head up that it would come

And what I have now 

Is just regular mono tone life 

It's the same 

Always the same

Always lonely 

No one cares about your pictures

No one cares abt your day 

No one cares abt your boundaries 

Your nothing 

Your no one 

How many times have you done this

Just typed 

Just typed your stream of consciousness 

And let it just manifest in pixels 

I don't know what to do

When am I just spoiled

When am I ungrateful 

When am I seeing things from a Childish 

Point of view 

When will it leave me alone.

Hello old friend

The sun

The warmth

Before I relixed I'd even fallen 

Or tripped

Or stumbled 

I looked around and in the rabbit hole is 

Where I had meandered 

So green

So blue

The clouds look so soft

Who is it that I can't let go of

Is it really little boy blue

It doesn't feel like it it feels more

Like I lost me 

For a moment I bought time and 

Bartered for my presensnce for a stoke of time I was ok I was attached by the small red thread 

But then what I shifted I moved

I lost my footing I tried to make everyone happy the quiet is getting me

I feel so bombarded 

Do this don't do that 

Grab my hand he says 

The silhouette calling for me the light behind them blocks their face 

If I grab someone's hand I have to xcept 

That this hand is my own

And I have to participate in the reality

That surrounds me

Am I ready to accept that

For this second I'll stop time and just appreciate the pauses 

It hit like a train breaking way

Sometimes when the feelings come back

When I hurt or feel overwhelmed 

I have to just destress 

Derail

I have to calm

Stop

Think 

Breathe

Sometimes when the feelings start to drown out all of the reality around me

When I start to go deaf from 

The roaring call beckoning me back

I have to just simply 

Calm

Stop think 

Breathe

Sometimes I have to put the gypsy word on and just look at the breeze in the trees

No matter what I'm still alive I still exist 

I can still move forward 

I still have the luxury to 

Stop

Think 

Calm 

Breathe

Even if I'm slipping away slowly 

Sometimes it's enough just to be happy to simply be alive 

No matter how bad I want to cry

Or scream or fall or need a hand to hold before I crash

Atleast I'm still alive

Most people are alive mainly out of habit

But once you've decided to die it makes deciding to be alive a very different realm of being

So even if it hurts

I'll just

Stop 

Think

Calm

I'll just breathe.

Xoxo,

Scarlet

One day

One day I'll get the courage 

One day I won't feel like the odd man out 

One day I won't care about how I fit into

The obscene puzzle workings of social standings 

And mannerisms and expectations

One day I'll stand on my own two feet 

Less concerned with the conceded out bringings of 

Him her and them

One day the alcohol won't need to be a catalyst 

For truth and wise ephiphonies 

One day I'll be everything Ment to be

Want to be

Thought I'd be

And it will come like the first breath of the day

One day I'll know who I am 

Who I wish I could be

One day the fears I fear will ease 

One day that won't be such a substial part of me

But out of all the days I wait for that one day

Lies in wait the one day

That I won't be here at all

Xoxo

Scarlet 

What is there left

Forgive and forget 

What do I do with what's left inside

My chest my head 

What's left

Where do I stand

When do I realize who I think I am

His smile 

His heart

It all feels real

Then why am I shaking with anticipation 

Why do I always assume it's a lie

A trick 

Anything than what it is 

Or what it can be 

What is there left to doubt 

What makes me think like this

I just want to close my eyes

And reawaken to a me that's me I've

Never seen

A me that can have a good thing 

That can see a happy ending and

Know

Just know 

His voice he can calm me like the eye of

A storm just before it swollaws the ship

On endless breaks

His hands

They carry me forward 

But I can't trust it 

I can't see it it's somewhere

I've never seen before 

He doesn't know what's here

Where it is 

And how long it will sleep

Before it's sick fruition 

Take care of me

Heal me

Help me 

Teach me that I'm not dreaming

That you can be everything I think

I want 

I need

My knight 

My love

Hat scare

That rush keep me still

Change my perspective 

Help me see

I'm worth your affection 

Xoxo,

Scarlet

Take it home

He makes me tremble 

I can't take his stare

He makes me weak 

What do I do when I can't tell the truer version of me 

What can seem infinant 

Timeless

Where do my feet hit the ground 

The error of his ways

Always the problem

I'll wait and hope 

Hope I can keep a strait face that I can 

Pretend I don't feel the sting 

Two weeks 

Two weeks and I'm already the dispute

The heartache 

The trouble 

The clouded mind

I'm the wrong no one should have me

No one should have the disease the stillness 

Of pain that sweeps with me everywhere I go 

I am the untouchable the soulless wanderer that brings the void

No one should have that 

I am destined to be alone

And lonely inhabitant of the sorrow shrouding me

My path is never ment for two

I only bring those that try to hold my hand off

The beaten trail 

One day I'll accept that 

One day I'll stop trying 

I'll soon learn my happiness is not worth sacrificing 

That of the ones who so dearly deserve sanctity 

And the goodness that they were born with 

I'll learn that pining for my own laugh

For my own happiness

Is selfish and should stay 

A willpower dream 

Xoxo,

Scarlet