I woke up late today just enuf that I just couldnt get my shit together
like I ever have my shit together
so of course we opted out again
is it still bad to miss school if you miss school with the intentions to do
other schoolwork all day?
Idk if that counts
Today seems just as pointless
I feel so tired as always my computer wont work to save its life I get lucky to use it for more than an hour
if I get an hour and thats a real problem theses days
maybe i actually will get a new one like I keep saying
I wonder what hes doing..
he was hardly responsive to me last night
it really feels over
not that we had anything to begin with..
it was all a fasad
I'm scarlet
He's little boy blue
Well call her...grey
What's it like to steal someones words
I wouldnt know I've never had a problem having words of my own
But when someone has a real weight a darkness to something
And you say it so meaninglessly
It's like mocking them in this twisted malevolent way
When I'm in that place
What ever that place is
That place beyond sad
Or beyond pain
It's a whole nother feeling that doesn't have a rightful name
When your in that place
And you push a blade into your arm or thigh or wrist
Not slicing yourself like meat but just putting enuf pressure to really feel the blade
Doing that over and over
Until you get this satisfying burn
And it looks like no more than cat scratches
Things that fade before morning
And no one but you knew the burn was ever there
The burn to wake u up from that place
That dull lifeless place
The place where your laugh doesnt even feel real
The place where everything seems pointless not by emotion but by logic
Well ill die eventually
Well even if it hurts
Pain can only last a time before it passes
Well one day my life won't even be remembered just like the billions of humans I have no earthly recollection of before me
No matter what happens
Nothing is purely stagnant
Change is constant even of its minut
When your in that place everything then loses any kind of value
And every second becomes this drull endless ...thing
People who have never been to that place don't know the truth behind what it means not to feel
And people who have been there
More than likely aren't here to talk abt it anymore
I wrote for school tonight
I somehow always impress myself
Tho I seem to be the only one I impress
I read a speech by Gandhi
Provoking the ideal of non violence to find freedom for India
He was a beautiful soul.
Hey, if you don't remember me, I was in that creative writing class in high school with you and your friends, when you were a senior, I think.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say "And people who have been there
More than likely aren't here to talk abt it anymore" well...I am still here to talk about it. I've been in that dull place. Nothing felt real, like it mattered.
I didn't know you do that to yourself. Scratching, cutting, whatever you would call it. Well, once again...I'm here to talk about that, too. Self harm never helps and I am still struggling with stopping completely. I just want you to know that it doesn't help. It may be a way to cope, but if it keeps on, the scratches turn into cuts, turn into gashes... It's not a place anyone wants to be in. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Just...that you're not the only one who's been to that place. Everyone has a past. If you want, you can talk to me. I'm trying not to make assumptions, though. I don't know if you feel alone, but I always felt alone and that no one actually understood what I was going through. So I want you to know that I can understand, in a way. I guess that's it. Sorry if I'm being a bother.
-Katie Garrett